Dear Diary,

As the FBI agent explained the importance of combating the illegal importation of aged zoo animals, I thought about the last time I visited with my boss’s mother.  We were drinking ginger tea and she asked, “Did you hear that?”  I had heard something but opted to pretend like I hadn’t because I didn’t want to climb the roof (again) to inspect the chimney!  When the noise got progressively louder; I was forced to agree that I’d heard something.  Then I made the mistake of suggesting she probably had mice in her attic.  She panicked and said, “Oh dear!  You must go and see.  My wedding gowns are up there.  The mice will eat them if you don’t take care of it!!!”

I opened the attic door and saw a grotesquely huge raccoon sleeping on what appeared to be shredded wedding gowns!  I calmly closed the door.  Then I called Animal Control.  My boss’s mother was so pleased with my act of bravery that she promised to have her crystal ball ready for my next visit.

I wasn’t looking forward to going over to my boss’s mother’s house; nor was I looking forward to wearing a wire to collect evidence against my boss.  But…   I didn’t want to incur a fine or spend any time in prison.  As the FBI agent continued to talk, I remembered the time I was stuck in a freight elevator.  I was adrift in my own thoughts  when the FBI man said, “Ultimately, it’s about our fight against animal cruelty.  An exotic animal doesn’t belong in somebody’s tricked out suburban basement.  Once the novelty of owning an exotic animal wears off, most owners return to their normal day-to-day lives. And the animals die of neglect.”  I said, “Okay.  I’ve heard enough… wire me up!”

Turns out I didn’t actually have to wear a wire.  All I had to do was sign paperwork authorizing the FBI’s use of my cell phone as a listening device.

Anyway, my boss’s mother was seated and gazing into her crystal ball as I entered the house through the red kitchen door.