Dear Diary,

It was 4:00 am, and I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten to unplug my alarm clock!  I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep; so I looked at my boss’s email.  The subject line read: “A savvy woman knows when to say when!”

The email read:

“I’m closing shop effective immediately!  I’ll donate any and all leftover provisions to a food bank kitchen.  Please put your keys through the mail slot by the end of business tonight.  In addition, you’ll receive a check worth six months salary plus a generous bonus for being such dears and seeing this as a win-win situation!  I will now dedicate my time and attention to my new business venture: The Savvy Woman’s Business League Of North America with franchise opportunities available in: India; The United Kingdom and Australia.  I hope and trust you too will find something suitable to your respective passions.  While this is indeed short notice, you’ll understand the logic after you’ve read my forthcoming book, A Savvy Woman’s guide to Business; Education; Art and Love– The 10 essential reasons for staying the course or ‘turning on a dime.'” 

I was genuinely happy for my (former) boss and emailed her a heart felt “Thank you” note.  She wrote back and asked, “What will you do?”  I answered, “I don’t have any definite (long term) plans nonetheless my sister invited me to join her and her family on an around the world sailing adventure…  But, today I’m baking cookies!”

“Perfect Paleo Chocolate Chip Cookies (vegan option, grain free, gluten free, dairy free)” recipe by Texanerin Baking
http://www.texanerin.com

For information regarding food banks try:

http://www.dccentralkitchen.org

http://www.lakitchen.org

 

Dear Diary,

I needed help with the chili and cornbread delivery.  And, I knew “Cleopatra” would volunteer once she found out it was for the Mayor’s wife.  Unfortunately, “Cleopatra” talked nonstop as I drove to the Mayor’s mansion.  She said, “7 babies.  That’s nuts!!!  I’m gonna get pictures of her baby bump(s) and sell them!”  At one point, I stopped listening because I wasn’t interested in the process of artificial insemination or how often fertility clinics goof or the impossibility of finding out who the fathers of the fetuses are!  It was all too weird.  I didn’t want to think about it, and I definitely didn’t want to go inside the Mayor’s mansion.  But I did…

After security tasted the chili, and confiscated “Cleopatra’s” cell phone, we were allowed inside the Mayor’s wife’s private boudoir suite.  It was beautiful!  It looked like something from a magazine only nicer because there was this extra glow to it.  Then I remembered the Mayor’s wife’s book, 11 Ways To A Restful Night’s Sleep Through The Mystery And Mastery of Feng Shui.  Anyway, the Mayor’s wife and my boss were seated at a table laughing.

As I approached with the chili and cornbread, I noticed the Mayor’s wife was signing legal documents.  My boss had the giggles and said, “I just figured out my next seminar: ‘The 7 reasons why a savvy woman shouldn’t sign legal disclaimers at fertility clinics.'”  There was a brief pause then she said, “Or maybe it should be: ‘The 7 questions every savvy woman should ask right before artificial insemination.'”  Another pause.  Then she said, “I’ve got it.  My next seminar will be: ‘The 7 reasons why a case is dismissed on technicalities (by the FBI) every savvy woman should know.'”  The Mayor’s wife said, “I’ll drink to that!”  Then she “chug-a-lugged” from a champagne flute.  My boss looked at me and said, “Don’t worry, it’s lemonade!”

lemon-by-akwelle-vallis

Dear Diary,

As the FBI agent explained the importance of combating the illegal importation of aged zoo animals, I thought about the last time I visited with my boss’s mother.  We were drinking ginger tea and she asked, “Did you hear that?”  I had heard something but opted to pretend like I hadn’t because I didn’t want to climb the roof (again) to inspect the chimney!  When the noise got progressively louder; I was forced to agree that I’d heard something.  Then I made the mistake of suggesting she probably had mice in her attic.  She panicked and said, “Oh dear!  You must go and see.  My wedding gowns are up there.  The mice will eat them if you don’t take care of it!!!”

I opened the attic door and saw a grotesquely huge raccoon sleeping on what appeared to be shredded wedding gowns!  I calmly closed the door.  Then I called Animal Control.  My boss’s mother was so pleased with my act of bravery that she promised to have her crystal ball ready for my next visit.

I wasn’t looking forward to going over to my boss’s mother’s house; nor was I looking forward to wearing a wire to collect evidence against my boss.  But…   I didn’t want to incur a fine or spend any time in prison.  As the FBI agent continued to talk, I remembered the time I was stuck in a freight elevator.  I was adrift in my own thoughts  when the FBI man said, “Ultimately, it’s about our fight against animal cruelty.  An exotic animal doesn’t belong in somebody’s tricked out suburban basement.  Once the novelty of owning an exotic animal wears off, most owners return to their normal day-to-day lives. And the animals die of neglect.”  I said, “Okay.  I’ve heard enough… wire me up!”

Turns out I didn’t actually have to wear a wire.  All I had to do was sign paperwork authorizing the FBI’s use of my cell phone as a listening device.

Anyway, my boss’s mother was seated and gazing into her crystal ball as I entered the house through the red kitchen door.

 

crystal-ball-by-akwelle-vallis

Dear Diary,

Every business has its high and low season.  At the bakery, our high season is autumn through winter.  Spring rains signal the start of the “Cleanse” diet season.  Obviously, no one wants to gorge on sweets during a 40 day fat flush!  So my boss decided to serve “Ultra Clean Green Salads” with 2 optional bakery sides for $17.50.  Oddly enough, the customers love it.

Summer is ice cream season at the bakery.  Three years ago, my boss asked me to work exclusively on the making and selling of ice cream!  She purchased a food truck, and we drove all over town soliciting ice cream/sugar junkies.  It worked.  Now, during summer months, customers line up for a chance to try our 7 flavors.  The bakery’s ice cream is made in small batches.  Additionally, we sell “Limited editions” of ice cream throughout the year.  My boss says, “The idea of limited supply drives the competitive instinct in most people.”

Since it was 4:00 pm (and the last cookie had been sold) I turned the front door’s Open sign over to Closed.  I wanted to relax and look at my new books before figuring out what to bake for tomorrow.  Then I remembered, tomorrow is my day off!!!!  I didn’t have to make plans for the bakery.  On my days off, my boss holds Women’s Business Seminars with coffee and macaron she buys in bulk from Costco.

Anyway, my boss was a lot calmer when she emerged from her office.  She even discussed  her upcoming seminar: “The Business of Marriage & Divorce– The don’ts every savvy woman should know before saying, ‘I do.'”  Sounded interesting but I was way too excited about my day off to pay attention.  Then the phone rang.  My boss answered; then quickly hung up.  She looked at me and said, “Wrong number.”  Then it rang again and my boss said, “You answer it.”  I did.  It was the Mayor’s wife pretending to be someone else needing directions to the gas station.  The Mayor’s wife said, “Play along with the story while I give you the details about my sister’s party.  Sorry for the short notice, but it’s tomorrow!”

salad-and-cookies-by-akwelle-vallis